February, Please Come Now

2008 has started on a bit of a rough note. With the economy up in the
air, a very divisive political campaign getting bloodier and bloodier
every day, and the chronic demise of the American dream for many in
this great country, I can’t help but wonder, WHY THE F**K DID HEATH LEDGER NEED TO DIE?!!! It is very sad to see an actor with the talent
and range of Heath Ledger die so young and unexpectedly. He was an
inspiration to me and many others out there and he will be dearly
missed. But beyond that, it is just one more reminder that a dark
cloud has spread its shadow over the early days of this turbulent
month. And to you January, I say eat my shit, I am done with your
nonsense. In the next month, here is what is going to happen.

One: The N.E. Patriots are going to have their cheating asses handed
to them on a silver platter by a team that wasn’t even expected to
make the playoffs.

Two: Bush is going to wake up on the 1st of February, look in the
mirror, grimace and call an emergency press conference. During that
conference he is going to say, “you know what, I’m an absolute asshole
and I have realized that the best way for history not to paint me in a
pile of rotten cow shit is to step down from this office and take
Cheney with me. I will then move to Texas where I vow never to be
heard from again. Here’s to a better tomorrow!”

Three: Barak and Hillary will run on the same ticket with John
Edwards becoming their chief adviser. The ticket of the century is
written and the deep South cedes from the union when they realize
their precious country is now being run by a black man and a woman.

Four: The economy explodes as thousands of jobs open up to middle and lower class Americans when Chinese and Indian labor workers say, “I’m tired of getting paid pennies to make you bastards billions.”
Furthermore home mortgage lenders are all forced to individually take
lie detector tests on the new Fox reality show “The Moment of Truth.”
When it is determined that they lie to home owners about the subprime
loans, they have to then and there write a check to the victim and get
their house out of hoc.

Five:
Kenya signs a peace treaty and celebrate love day once a week, hugging
a kissing each other; Asian whalers are fed to great white sharks when caught whaling;
Global warming is completely reversed and ice needs to be plowed out
of Dubai, as it is interfering with their indoor ski resort
Gas prices drop to sixty cents a gallon, because everyone has an electric car;
And finally, all of us are given the same treatment that Jim Carrey
was given in “Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind,” whereby one
memory, one terrible memory, one dark and unholy memory is erased
forever and with it the pain that is has caused…that
memory…JANUARY 2008. May you rot in hell you bitch!

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