The Complexes of Mr. Hide

By Ida Darvish

Mr. Hide has complexes… lots of them… all of them… the way he walks, the way he eats, his voice, his fingernails, his hair, cheeks, profile, the shape of his head and face, his height, his smell, his breath, his complexion, his hairy chest, his hairy back, his hairy butt, his feet, and of course, last but not least, the size of his penis.

There are no mirrors in his bathroom. That way HE can’t even see himself naked when he gets out of the shower, and he always has his clothes ready in there so that he doesn’t have to go to his closet where there’s a full-length mirror that would reflect to him the mounds of hair on his body.

He leaves his house to go meet his friend, Mr. Bold, and of course he wears his oversized sombrero to hide the shape of his head, a scarf around his face to hide how square his face is, and as he realizes he lost one of his gloves, he clutches the gloveless hand to hide his fingernails. Even though it’s 100 degrees outside he made sure to wear his boots in order to cover his toes, which help him walk very quickly so as to hopefully hide how he normally walks. It takes him a while to get to the restaurant where he’s meeting Mr. Bold because as others walk by he stops and lets them pass so that they will surely not notice his strange manner of walking, all the while checking his armpits to make sure they don’t smell.

As he walks into the restaurant, he whispers hello, that way no one, not even Mr. Bold, will have the opportunity to make fun of his actual voice, and he whispers to the waiter to seat them at a table for 6 so that he can sit far enough away from Mr. Bold, so that his friend won’t notice his complexion or the smell of his breath. He also made sure to have a table that sits in a nook where there will be no guests sitting at a table next to them, that way nobody will be looking at his profile. As they order their food Mr. Bold jokes with the waiter and laughs loudly at his own jokes, he then takes his shirt off because it’s too hot, and slides out of his sandals in order to make himself comfortable. Mr. Hide admires how easy it is for Mr. Bold to talk to people and how confident he is with his body. When the food arrives Mr. Bold eats everything on his plate while telling his stories, as Mr. Hide takes small bites when no one is looking, that way they won’t talk about his strange way of chewing.

In the midst of their meal, a mutual friend of theirs walks up to their table and asks them if they would like to have a gay threesome… well wouldn’t you know it, Mr. Hide whispers excitedly, “Of course, I’d love to,” while Mr. Bold shakes his head and says, “No way, I’m not that bold.” Ten hours later Mr. Bold found himself in a sick motel room in Yugoslavia, with nothing on but an earring and a hickey. In the shadows, laughing softly, are Mr. Hide and the raunchy friend. The moral of this morose tale…BOLD as you may be, you can never HIDE from raunchy forceful gay sex. Later that night Bold died.

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